Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and
said, "So why are you here ? "
The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do ?"
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. They reckon it'll calm me down. "
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked
"Why are you here ? "
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked,
"Why are you here ? "
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6 lb.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are still busy checking their thumbs.
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.
He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
A blind man went into a department store one day and took his dog by the tail and started to swing him around in a circle. One of the clerks rushed up to him and asked, "Can I help you sir?" The man answered him saying, "Oh, no thank you...I'm just taking a look around."
Q: Why don't blind people ever go sky-diving?
A: It scares the heck out of the dogs.
Matt works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Matt! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Matt. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Matt if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her. She's the waitress
from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Matt, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Matt. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Matt's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Matt follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Matt tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Matt, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I immediately turned around and walked back out and never went back! My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
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